updated Aug 15 2025

I’m reading Kristin Neff’s book on self-compassion, and the literal definition of the word suprised me a bit: “to suffer with.” I’ve always considered myself a compassionate person. I can sit with a friend through their pain, listen without judgment, and offer support. I know how to suffer with them.

But that simple phrase made me realize something deeply uncomfortable: I never do that for myself. When I’m the one suffering, I don’t stay. I run. Or, worse, I attack. My compassion extends to everyone but me.

My Own Harshest Critic

My first instinct when facing my own stress or failure is to find a way to invalidate it. My inner critic goes into overdrive with a familiar script. It tells me that “pain builds character,” or that I’m being spoiled and just need to “get it together and stop whining.” Sometimes it argues that I deserve the pain for some past mistake, or that I’m the only one who can handle it, so I’d better suck it up.

It’s a relentless voice that insists my suffering isn’t legitimate, and my job is to either ignore it or crush it. This is the opposite of compassion. It’s a profound refusal to be with my own pain. Society makes this easy; we are often rewarded for being tough and for helping others. Being kind to yourself, on the other hand, can feel selfish or unproductive.

The First Step: Just Acknowledging It

Lately, I’ve been trying something that feels both simple and radical: just acknowledging the feeling. When I feel stressed, instead of launching into the usual mental monologue about why I shouldn’t be, I try to pause and say to myself, “This is stressful. This is hard right now.” I don’t try to fix it or rationalize it away. I just let it be there. It’s a practice of not abandoning myself the moment things get difficult.

It’s strange what happens when you stop fighting yourself. The pain doesn’t magically vanish, but the exhausting second battle against it does. All that mental energy, which I used to spend on self-criticism, is now free. Giving myself permission to feel difficult things makes it easier to actually address them. I can take a break, or even ask someone for help, because I’ve stopped pretending I’m a machine that isn’t supposed to struggle.

It’s a slow process, but I’m finally learning how to be an ally to myself. I’m learning how to simply stay.