I’m currently reading Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. Although I haven’t finished it yet, the book is quite intriguing, and I wanted to share a thought it inspired.

So, what is compassion? The word comes from Latin and means “to suffer with somebody.” Compassion involves recognizing someone else’s suffering, feeling moved by it, and possibly wanting to alleviate that suffering.

While it’s straightforward to understand what lacking compassion for others means, how can one lack compassion for themselves? How is it possible for someone to “not suffer with themselves”?

I believe there are a few potential reasons.

Firstly, one might not be aware of their own suffering. This may sound absurd, but it’s quite common; many people fail to acknowledge their pain. If you deny your suffering, you cannot create a conscious emotional response to it.

Alternatively, you might be aware of your suffering yet still fail to feel compassion for yourself. Some believe that pain is beneficial—“pain builds character,” they say.

Another reason could be the belief that you deserve to suffer. You may think you’re not worthy of self-compassion, viewing yourself as stupid or spoiled, convinced that you just need to get it together and stop whining.

Additionally, you might think you’re the only one capable of handling your pain. You may believe it’s your responsibility to endure, whether it’s finishing a project on time or tolerating a difficult boss.

Ultimately, it comes down to one thing: you lack self-compassion when you are not with your suffering. You either ignore your pain or remain unaware of it.

Self-Compassion Requires Action

I believe that self-compassion isn’t easy to cultivate.

Compassion toward others, on the other hand, is quite natural and instinctive. Even animals, particularly mammals, show compassion toward one another. In a herd, if one animal recognizes that another is in distress and needs help, the group is more likely to survive together.

I wouldn’t say that self-compassion is unnatural, but, from the perspective of a group, herd, or society, it is often more emphasized to reward compassionate behaviors toward others. Self-compassion can be difficult to recognize and may be mistaken for self-pity or selfishness.

When you watch a video of a child or an animal in pain and feel empathy for them, most people would acknowledge that as compassion. In such cases, it’s understood that you may not be able to help, and simply feeling for them suffices. On the other hand, self-compassion should be actionable. You are always “at hand.” Thus, compassion for others could be easier than self-compassion. Self-compassion requires more from you.

How to Do It?

I’m not an expert—quite the opposite. I’ve recently realized that I often ignore my pain and fail to listen to my body. As a child, I struggled to feel compassion for myself. However, a couple of things have helped me.

Firstly, awareness of suffering is crucial. Acknowledging pain without interpretation or second thoughts is important. In the past, even when I admitted I was stressed, I would insist it wasn’t so bad—rationalizing my feelings. Now, when those second thoughts arise, I try not to follow them. Instead, I focus on my true feelings and work to accept them.

I’ve noticed that accepting my pain, suffering, or stress makes it easier to cope. While it doesn’t remove it completely, acknowledging my suffering prevents me from expending mental energy trying to hide it. It’s like telling myself, “I have the right to feel this. I have the right to experience this situation as difficult.”

Allowing myself to feel that pain also enables me to seek help. It’s easier to ask others for support when I practice self-compassion, which allows me to be kind and encouraging toward myself rather than demanding or critical. I can take a break and consider how to address the root cause of my pain. When I practice self-compassion instead of fighting or fleeing, I can sit with my feelings and take care of myself.